The Controlling Monster
By Spenser Scott
Imagine just for a moment that your mind is stuck on a particular unwanted thought or an image. Then this thought or image is played repeatedly in your mind.
Over and
over again
no matter what you do.
Of course you would want all of these repetitive thoughts to leave your mind. This situation is almost as if your TV is paused on a scene of a movie that scares you the most and no matter what you do, that scene will not go away. Not only are you stuck with these unwanted thoughts, but also intense feelings of anxiety come along with it. This is the constant struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. I try to avoid the battle of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder each and every minute of the day but cannot seem to shake this controlling monster.
It all started during the summer going into my freshman year of high school. I began to realize that I had several disturbing images cross my mind that I could not control. These images were basically horrific experiences that I never wanted to become reality. No matter what I did, the thoughts refused to disappear from my mind. I convinced myself that these random thoughts were normal and that other people experienced them as well. And if people did not experience these thoughts, I would just convince myself that they were little problems that would go away with time.
A year or so passed, and I began to realize my “little” problems had gotten much worse. Not only did I have these unwanted thoughts, but I also began reciting prayers. Every time I would start reading a passage of any story, I would feel the need to start praying for something. It was almost as if I could not continue reading until this prayer was said and done. The prayer essentially was a feeling of reassurance to make sure every person close to me was OK. My prayer would begin the same way each and every time. It would always start out asking God to watch over my friends and family members, to keep them safe. I would ask to keep them healthy and protect them in their travels. Once I said my prayer, I would repeat, “In Jesus’ name, Amen,” up to 10 times before I would continue reading again. It was as if I had to do it. Pretend that someone was forcing you to do something or something seriously bad was going to happen. The feeling is exactly the same.
I always remember my mom saying when I was growing up, “Relax. Everything is going to be just fine. Try to stop worrying so much.” Or, “I told your dad when you were younger that you worried a lot.” I would always nod and agree with the first statement every time she said it. I would think that if my mom said everything was going to be OK, maybe it really would be OK.
When I reached this point, I thought this was the most difficult level of OCD that I would experience. I was wrong. Once I got to college, it began to get much worse. This anxiety disorder started to take over nearly everything that I did. Tasks that were as small as checking to make sure my straightener and other appliances were unplugged in the morning were a constant struggle.
There were many times when I was late to class because of my fear of not having my appliances unplugged. I would worry that if I forgot to unplug something, then something terrible would occur. The problem existed not only with appliances, but with other things as well. Sometimes, it was even a battle to get out of my car. For example, when I got out of my car, I would stand with the door open to make sure I had put the car in park. After minutes of that, I would check to make sure the emergency break was on. When I was finally able to shut the door, I made sure, multiple times, that the doors were locked. It even got to the point that I would go around and pull each door handle to be completely certain.
Once I realized how intense my constant urges to check items were, I finally told my mom everything that I was doing. She bought me a book that teaches people, like me, how to control their OCD. It allows me to write about what obsessive compulsions I have and why. Many people would be curious to know if I have seen a counselor. The answer to that is no.
The reason for that is because I like to think that I am capable of keeping my compulsions under control. I have not quite been able to overcome OCD, but I am learning every day how to control it and get by with my life. Living with OCD is a challenge that can be dealt with; it does not have to control someone’s life.
Spencer Scott is a senior English major at California University of Pennsylvania. Read more from her personal blog.
Imagine just for a moment that your mind is stuck on a particular unwanted thought or an image. Then this thought or image is played repeatedly in your mind.
Over and
over again
no matter what you do.
Of course you would want all of these repetitive thoughts to leave your mind. This situation is almost as if your TV is paused on a scene of a movie that scares you the most and no matter what you do, that scene will not go away. Not only are you stuck with these unwanted thoughts, but also intense feelings of anxiety come along with it. This is the constant struggle that I deal with on a daily basis. I try to avoid the battle of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder each and every minute of the day but cannot seem to shake this controlling monster.
It all started during the summer going into my freshman year of high school. I began to realize that I had several disturbing images cross my mind that I could not control. These images were basically horrific experiences that I never wanted to become reality. No matter what I did, the thoughts refused to disappear from my mind. I convinced myself that these random thoughts were normal and that other people experienced them as well. And if people did not experience these thoughts, I would just convince myself that they were little problems that would go away with time.
A year or so passed, and I began to realize my “little” problems had gotten much worse. Not only did I have these unwanted thoughts, but I also began reciting prayers. Every time I would start reading a passage of any story, I would feel the need to start praying for something. It was almost as if I could not continue reading until this prayer was said and done. The prayer essentially was a feeling of reassurance to make sure every person close to me was OK. My prayer would begin the same way each and every time. It would always start out asking God to watch over my friends and family members, to keep them safe. I would ask to keep them healthy and protect them in their travels. Once I said my prayer, I would repeat, “In Jesus’ name, Amen,” up to 10 times before I would continue reading again. It was as if I had to do it. Pretend that someone was forcing you to do something or something seriously bad was going to happen. The feeling is exactly the same.
I always remember my mom saying when I was growing up, “Relax. Everything is going to be just fine. Try to stop worrying so much.” Or, “I told your dad when you were younger that you worried a lot.” I would always nod and agree with the first statement every time she said it. I would think that if my mom said everything was going to be OK, maybe it really would be OK.
When I reached this point, I thought this was the most difficult level of OCD that I would experience. I was wrong. Once I got to college, it began to get much worse. This anxiety disorder started to take over nearly everything that I did. Tasks that were as small as checking to make sure my straightener and other appliances were unplugged in the morning were a constant struggle.
There were many times when I was late to class because of my fear of not having my appliances unplugged. I would worry that if I forgot to unplug something, then something terrible would occur. The problem existed not only with appliances, but with other things as well. Sometimes, it was even a battle to get out of my car. For example, when I got out of my car, I would stand with the door open to make sure I had put the car in park. After minutes of that, I would check to make sure the emergency break was on. When I was finally able to shut the door, I made sure, multiple times, that the doors were locked. It even got to the point that I would go around and pull each door handle to be completely certain.
Once I realized how intense my constant urges to check items were, I finally told my mom everything that I was doing. She bought me a book that teaches people, like me, how to control their OCD. It allows me to write about what obsessive compulsions I have and why. Many people would be curious to know if I have seen a counselor. The answer to that is no.
The reason for that is because I like to think that I am capable of keeping my compulsions under control. I have not quite been able to overcome OCD, but I am learning every day how to control it and get by with my life. Living with OCD is a challenge that can be dealt with; it does not have to control someone’s life.
Spencer Scott is a senior English major at California University of Pennsylvania. Read more from her personal blog.